Fight for Finding New Identity


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Mother’s Gut Instinct

Yesterday (on March 20th, 2022), Hachi talked on the phone with her mother about random stuffs.

After a while, the mother slightly realized that her daughter(Hachi) was a little bit different than usual, so that the mother asked Hachi what happened.

Hachi said nothing, and tired to keep talking about random stuffs.

However, the mother did not miss her feeling, which told her there was something wrong with her daughter, so that she asked her daughter the same thing one more time, seeing her daughter’s eyes.

Hachi surrendered to her mother and started talking what was in her mind gradually and illogically.


Honestly speaking, Hachi actually felt she was okay: she was thinking “I am not the one who got hurt the most, who was terrified of bombing over heads, who are actually in the distructed towns and cities, who saw people got injured and killed, who had to evacuate nor who saw the hell. I am not the one who is in the front line. Therefore, being upset is not my ‘job’.”

However, when she happened to listen to the chill music, she realized her heart was like a desert: she could feel the melody was beautiful as if she was watching the stars in the cold night alone, but there was no water in her heart.

Perhaps, she forgot her natural feelings as she saw black destructed cities in Ukraine, people’s devastated tears, heard the sound of bombing and people and children’s screaming in tears to say good bye for their families, watched the dead, and tried to see things from variety of perspectives.


When Hachi started talking about what was in her mind, what came out from Hachi’s mouth was beyond her imagination: she was worried about an Ukrainian elderly man, whom she watched in the news at the very beggining of the war.

He was walking along the black destructed road, crying and saying that he and his wife spent all night below freezing.

He said both of them were wrapped in a blanket all night, but it was minus degrees and there was no food, so that they got devastated enough to cry.

He was also crying while he went to find water.


…..Do you remember Great East Japan Earthquake on March 11th, 2011?

It was cold at that time, so that, even if people survived the massive earthquake, some people passed away because of Hypothermia, especially elderly people.

At that time, it took time to know what happened and what survivors needed.

Even if we knew what survivors needed, roads were destructed so that it was so hard to deliver humanitarian aid.


What about now?

People are trying to deliver humanitarian aid to southern areas of Ukraine, yet Russian troops won’t let humanitarian aid and conveys enter into there, especially in Mariupol.
(The day after she talked on the phone, the news said Kremlin was trying to starve Mariupol into surrender. Is that true? They cannot have food if they don’t surrender? Why?)


As Hachi was talking to her mother a lot of things in her mind, Hachi finally became emotional, started to cry and said to her mother that “People need food, water, heat, but Russian troops shut down to supply. That is ridiculous. That is horrible. That is not what human beings do…..!”

She finally cried in front of a person.

She finally became totally emotional.

You know what? When people cry seriously, they really become exhausted*.

(Hachi could do nothing after that except sitting quietly.)


The mother listened to Hachi all the time.

She said what Hachi needed to remember, which were precise suggestions.

All Hachi could do was nodding, feeling being protected, and felt comfortable to be protected, as if she was told that it was okay not to get her act together sometimes and okay to be vulnerable.


Then the mother said that “when you let things in your mind go, there is a space for new things to emerge”.

That was true.

Now she has feelings which are suppressed during the war.




Weird but “real” feelings

Hachi is gong to write weird things.

Since the war began, some images (which she hasn’t experienced in her current life, but the feeling is so real. Those are her imaginary stories? or what?) have been emerging in her mind.

Do you remember the Ukrainian girl’s death on the road during the evacuation with her family?

Her death reminded Hachi of this:

When Hachi was in an elementary school in her current life, she got home by walk.

When she saw a corner to turn left, she often felt somehow that she would die there suddenly because of things which scattered, and she would be in the white world without knowing why in the next moment.

She also believed that she could not live after 19 years old somehow when she was a child.

The Ukrainian’s girl’s death reminded Hachi of that.

Now Hachi wonders and is worried a lot about how the girl is feeling right now.


Have you read this article?  Nicola Sturgeon apologises to people accused of witchcraft – BBC News

Hachi happened to read it, and surprised to know that witchcraft was kind of massacre.

It is because she has a feeling(,which she does not know why because she does not experience in her current life): the weird feeling is that “someone broke into her house suddenly, took her to the public square, something was fallen to her neck, and she was in the black world in the next moment”.

Her mother told her that, when Hachi was a three-year-old child in her current life, she locked the door and her mother had to ask her husband to bring a key while he was working.

Hachi also does not like to invite people like an electrician nor a gasman when she was alone in her house.


You can see the stories above critically and you don’t have to believe them, yet there is the point she want to make:
A War or a massacre can cause soul’s agony, which cannot be erased easily.

Hachi thought she overcame the feelings, but the “Kremlin”’s War in Ukraine opened the agony again, and she has been feeling the sharp pain in her back since the war began.

Hachi thinks the war can be the process of finding new identity of Ukraine and Russia.

So is for people who are witnessing.




Dive into water (Added on 2022.3.28.)

Hachi tried to remember when was the first time she heard the voice of Russia in Beelationship.

Perhaps, this moment.

Hachi heard that China and Russia were talking about the Japan’s viewpoint toward human rights during the World War II as well as history of the atomic bomb between Japan and the U.S..

Beelationship. 2021. Possible remaining patterns of history in Asia




Most of people tend to do same things which they have been done, especially when they get hurt.

That is a natural human instinct. That might be why a war happens, or a generational chain emerges.


There are not so many, but, there are people or countries which they won’t fight back even after they were attacked or got hurt.

What kind of mechanism exists in them?

Why are they able to activate the mechanism?


(Hachi is a little bit worried about the situation within Russia because its education for children, its media and the symbolic letter of “Z”, which reminds her of Hakenkreuz, are becoming the mechanism of sort of brain washing machine: The mechanism offer an ease to Russian people which says “you don’t need to think” and uniformity of reflexive reaction. (That is what Japan did to its people in 1940s.)
The mechanism might be suitable for moving toward one direction, but, when the direction is wrong, there are no option within a group.)


Hachi is just curious that “what kind of world are you able to create?”, where “female aircrew members of Russian airline” will smile naturally?








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